A new year, a new start?

2011 seems like a perfect year to make something, or to be something wonderful. Its the year of my golden birthday, Jadyn turns my favorite age, and really, there is unlimited potential.

I am working on being true to myself. I love, love, love taking care of people, and am not so good at giving myself the same consideration.

So i begin again with new scars, some still healing, but with more wisdom and love and passion then ever.

It's so hard..

For me to be alone. I don't mean all alone, because I'm constantly in other people's company, but i still just ultimately feel alone-- that there is no longer someone who loves me, who is excited to see me, and to hear about my thoughts. I shared my thoughts, and bared my soul with someone but as usual I'm unwanted. Always unwanted. Never all of me, just a part.

If i just could be.. or wouldn't be..

It has been a reoccurring thing for me, to never be fully wanted or loved. Each man only loved a part of who I am and abhorred another.

You know what does the most damage? The imagination. The intimacies of imagining your life with someone and the harsh, cold reality that that can never be.

That i must murder my dreams, accept that I will spend another night alone and wake up another day with the frozen reality of my life.

"One Sweet Love" - Sara Bareilles (lyrics)

Another truth..

I sometimes don't feel like I deserve another chance at love and marriage, that I'm ruined.

I would be fine with that, if not for this internal longing..

Problems with Blogger..

I'm having real difficulties with this website and its hosting.. Sometimes complete posts disappear, sometimes they just won't post and its driving me crazy.

I'm trying to find a new place.. any ideas??

{This moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -soulemama

Click here to view these pictures larger

#4..

Before my son came into the world, I didn't believe in Love.