Tuesday, June 8, 2010

It's so hard..

For me to be alone. I don't mean all alone, because I'm constantly in other people's company, but i still just ultimately feel alone-- that there is no longer someone who loves me, who is excited to see me, and to hear about my thoughts. I shared my thoughts, and bared my soul with someone but as usual I'm unwanted. Always unwanted. Never all of me, just a part.

If i just could be.. or wouldn't be..

It has been a reoccurring thing for me, to never be fully wanted or loved. Each man only loved a part of who I am and abhorred another.

You know what does the most damage? The imagination. The intimacies of imagining your life with someone and the harsh, cold reality that that can never be.

That i must murder my dreams, accept that I will spend another night alone and wake up another day with the frozen reality of my life.

Monday, May 31, 2010

"One Sweet Love" - Sara Bareilles (lyrics)

Another truth..

I sometimes don't feel like I deserve another chance at love and marriage, that I'm ruined.

I would be fine with that, if not for this internal longing..

Problems with Blogger..

I'm having real difficulties with this website and its hosting.. Sometimes complete posts disappear, sometimes they just won't post and its driving me crazy.

I'm trying to find a new place.. any ideas??

Friday, April 30, 2010

{This moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -soulemama

Click here to view these pictures larger


Before my son came into the world, I didn't believe in Love.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I do believe in god and feel blessed daily, but it has been a very long time since I felt close to god.

Is that god moving away or me?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I am beautiful, strong and capable. I've always had to be strong.

I just don't always want to be.

Sometimes I want to hide, curl up in a corner and tune out the world.

Sometimes I want to sit in someones arms and be rocked to sleep.

Sometimes I want to just be. Quiet. Still.

It doesn't matter though, what i want.

I'm something better then me, I'm a mom now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

My first truth..

I'm extremely sensitive.

I can feel how other people around me feel.

I can't watch or listen to the news because it hurts me too much to hear of other people's pain. I remember crying for weeks over 9/11 when I was in high school because of all those people and their families. And the recent Toyota thing? They played the family recording on the radio of their last words before they got hit and killed by another car. I bawled uncontrollably for the entire day.

This means a sharp comment someone else might be able to just brush off cuts deep.

I have a hard time telling people "no"..

Sometimes I wish I had an off switch.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

100 truths, the journey begins...

I’ve decided to focus on myself...to look at me...inside out.....and remind myself of who I am...this way, I will be posting a reminder about myself... one each day, for the next 100 days... sharing with you 100 simple truths about me. -Locus

In honor of the very relflective Locus, and my most recent emergence from my marriage, I'm going to follow in her footsteps and try to figure out who I am.

I used to know so clearly once upon a time. And I feel like I no longer know, maybe I can find my way back to that confident girl I used to know and love.

We'll start tomorrow. Are you ready for the truth? I'm not sure I even am :o)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

On the radio..

I haven't heard this song in a million years, but it played perfectly as I got into the car.
Might be my song..

Always a woman to me..

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me


Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

On the other side of the looking glass..

Nature, as in Mother Nature, has a way of taking ugly things, even things forced upon her, and making them beautiful. Look at the oyster and the pearl, or for an even better representation, look at Glass Beach in Northern California.

"From a distance one could think that Captain Hook spilled a chest of jeweled loot on the colorful, sparkling coast of Glass Beach, nestled in the rugged cliffs of the Northern California coast. Littered with amber, indigo, sea green, and ruby shards of glass and pottery worn smooth by the waves, Glass Beach is a kaleidoscope of color and a coastal rarity. Once a public trash dump, the area was closed in the late 1960s when the North Coast Water Quality Board realized that polluting the coast was harmful. Since then, Creation has reversed man's folly to an enchanting effect. Today Glass Beach is a little-known secret tucked away in the unassuming town of Fort Bragg. An occasional sea lion frolics in the waves, and in and around crystal-clear tidal pools of crab, starfish, mollusks and anemones, you will find a treasure trove of sea glass trinkets."

This was one of my favorite sites while visiting my sisters in Northern California, of course I didn't know it used to be a landfill until reading it in my Textbook for my Environmental Biology class.

This is what Nature does, takes garbage and makes it beautiful.

My relationship with my Husband of just about three years ended abruptly and violently yesterday. Leaving me with a shattered heart, a bunch of garbage, no car and my brave little boy who will never have to hear screaming again.

All I can hope is that Nature can do to me, what it did to "Glass Beach"; wash me clean, polish me and make me beautiful again, at least for my son.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Cooking Club.. Cilantro Verde Enchiladas...

I've been reading more and more about "Cooking Clubs" and getting excited to create one!

I got this book, The Cooking Club Cookbook at my favorite bookstore, Dog Eared Pages.

On the back:

"Recipe for a Cooking Club

*Six or so members, to taste
*One day a month, for meeting
*Tinfoil for carting dishes between kitchens
*Sense of humor, plus extra for garnish
*The cooking club cookbook-- strongly recommended

1.Choose your members.
A go-get-'em attitude is our only prerequisite, although you get extra points for having a dishwasher

2.Plan a Theme, such as
Spanish, sexy foods, or mardi gras. Discuss menus in advance so you don't end up with six desserts. (On second thought, thats not such a bad idea...)

3.Cook at home, then bring your dish to the host's house.
You should be able to experiment with all goods, just no force feeding.
(Don't think we haven't tried.)

4.Eat. Drink. Compliment everyone's dish. Have fun. It's what will get you and the gang back in the kitchen month after month."

So this is more for like a club of women that cook to eat once a month (potluck), I'm hoping to do more of a cook a meal and exchange. But there are some YUMMY recipes in here! Where else can you find a menu of "Sexy foods" and for Brunch in the same place??

Talking about food, I found this new recipe I'M DYING TO TRY!! It would be perfect for a cooking club exchange meal...

For step by step deliciously mouthwatering pictures, visit Mother Huddle here.

Cilantro Verde Enchiladas

1bunch Cilantro

2 cups salsa verde (green salsa or green enchilada sauce)

1medium-large onion, quartered

1 jalapeno, seeded and sliced (keep some seeds if you like heat)

1Tbsp chopped garlic (1-2 large segments)

1/4-1/2 tsp salt or to taste (this will depend on the salsa verde you use)

18 ounce cream cheese

10 tortillas

4-5cups diced or shredded cooked chicken (I used six pre-frozen breasts from Costco. If using fresh chicken, three or four large ones would probably be plenty.)

2cups monterey jack cheese, shredded

Cook your chicken in the oven or crockpot with salt, pepper, garlic powder, lemon juice, and a little olive oil to add another level of greatness to the enchiladas. Preheat your oven to 350°.

Ina blender combine onion, salsa, cilantro, garlic, jalapeno and salt. Blend until smooth. Stir in softened cream cheese. Pour half of the sauce over the chicken and stir until well coated. Reserve remaining sauce to pour over the enchiladas.

Scoopabout 1/2 a cup of chicken mixture in each tortilla, roll up and place side by side in a lightly greased 9×13 pan. Pour reserved sauce over finished enchiladas and cover with tinfoil. Bake for about 30-35 minutes remove foil and sprinkle evenly with shredded cheese. Bake uncovered for 10-15 more minutes.

Make sure enchiladas are heated through and enjoy. They taste great served with black beans, tomato, and olives.

Mmmm.. Happy Eating!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Convention is coming!!

I'm so excited, I can't wait!!

Visit Sherrills website for all the info and events we can be a part of!!

July 19th is when the fun begins, so sign up now! :o)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring Wishes.. For Easter..

I might have said before, Easter is one of my all time favorite holidays.. I'm so excited this year because Jadyn is finally old enough to get into it, and I know he'll just love it!

To kick off the season, a dear friend (Your the best Moran, we adore you guys!) allowed Jadyn to hold her bunnies. It was too much fun, this bunny he's with was just amazing! Jadyn picked her up, squished her, poked her in the eyes and mouth (for scientific purposes, of course {"Eyes, Mommy. Mouth."}) and jumped around her doing his best impersonation and not a peep. She just stood there lovingly. What was more, she actually seemed interested in him! She climbed up to smell him and even leaned forward to give him a kiss!!

Look at how beautiful Morans' daughter are!! Jadyn is so taken with her! I've never seen him bicker so! ;o)

And beautiful baby...

I was talking to Hubby and he was telling me of how easter was for him growing up. It was so nice to hear and to see the accompanying sparkle in his eyes.

"I remember we would search the house for ages looking for where the Easter Bunny had hid our baskets. Some times in the dryer, sometimes in a closet. I'm not sure when but after awhile the Easter bunny got tired of hiding the baskets, which was ok (By then I had been pretending for years for sake of my brother and my sister) but I did love hunting for them!"

This is so different from my own easter experiences.. For us, we just woke up and there was our basket like out of magic.. The eggs spread out all over the yard for us to scoop up and hunt out, then we'd do it again and again...

I think we will marry our Easter traditions.. I love the idea of hiding Jadyn's basket, but maybe this year with a trail of eggs or easter grass to the hiding spot (since he's so little) and we plan to go to Sedona for the egg hunt on Saturday and then over to the family on Sunday. I truly enjoy spending time with my inlaws, I'm so glad to be able to give Jadyn the gift of knowing them.

Of course, we (meaning I) made some baskets for the kids we know, and plan to "Egg" a few neighbors..

What was your easter at home like? What do you have planned for this year?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday Ritual-- {This moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -soulemama

Spring has Sprung!

Spring is my all time favorite season, right next to fall. Spring means sunshine and flowers and of course, birthdays! Its my sisters birthday first (first day of spring), then my mom, then my birthday, then my sons birthday!
So when I think spring I think Desserts; Cookies, Cupcakes and of course Cake! Take a peak at this beautiful and delicious website! Have some baking inspiration of your own!

Also, all the new stamps over at Stampin' Up! Sale-a-bration is almost over, but until the end of this month, there are still free stamps sets to go around!
Look at these CUTE scrapbook page ideas!!

How about GREEN your Spring?

Here are some recipes from another mama in "This Little Kitchen"
  • General Cleaner: Add 2 tablespoons baking soda to 16 oz. warm water.
  • Window Cleaner: Add 1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar to 16 oz. warm water.
  • Disinfecting Cleaner:Add 10-20 drops of tea tree oil to 16 oz. warm water.
  • Floor Cleaner: To 16 oz warm water add: 1/2 teaspoon liquid soap, 1/2 teaspoon borax, squeeze of a lemon or splash of vinegar. Spray floor with solution and mop as usual.
  • Linen Spray: Add 5 drops of your favorite scented oil to 8 oz. water. Use to freshen linens and curtains.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I've often heard how a home can be a big investment of not just money, but of time as well. As we've fixed one thing, we find 5 more problems. It is nice to know that they can be "fixed" and done with, but their ever presence is disheartening none the less.

One of the bane's of our existence is our heater. It's natural gas and a PAIN to light. When I say pain, I mean we are sitting in front of it for an hour with 15 matches, 3 lighters and chopsticks and usually we plan on someone losing some hair, most commonly eyebrows.

This combined with the fact that it is A) Natural Gas and B) Right outside of my sons room (across the house) makes me uneasy and distrustful of it. I was about to throw it out the window out of frustration, but after talking to my dad, it seems its the most economic and energy efficient way. UGH.

This is the thing that keeps us cozy and warms us up when coming from a chilly outside, I have to learn to trust and really, love it.
After seeing this commercial, and installing our new gas alarm, maybe I can relax a little..

It's nice to think of everything as so soft and cozy.. After all, isn't that what we think of when we think of home?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Angles" of Mao

Meet Mao.
Mao is the newest member of the family, technically she is a souvenir from Maui.
She was a patient and orphan of Maui Humane Society (where I worked).
Jadyn needed a buddy and Jade fell in love with her right away.
I loved her for a different reason. She had an abscess in her mouth that she was being treated for, and by treated I mean the Vet has her hand in Mao's mouth and was squeezing out the pus. Ew right? Well Mao didn't bite or claw or scratch. She sat patiently and waited.

From the moment she first came home she was Jadyn's buddy.

As of late she has discovered outside and so is often out exploring or some where taking a snooze!

Ah to be a cat!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Snow fun!

We wondered and fretted, would Jadyn be afraid of the snow? Would he like the snow? Would he start a world war in opposition of jackets/hats/boots and gloves?

See for yourself!

And if you were still wondering, He doesn't fight us anymore on getting dressed. He loves his "boots" and requests them from the moment he gets up. He even knows the difference from his snow and rain boots. Usually he prefers the latter due to him being allowed to splash and play in the "wet" (his word for water, rain and snow!) puddles!

I'm more irritated by the presence of the snow and the work it entails, but I tell you, I will miss these days.

Bundled up

For our first snowy trip to our new home... He had just woke up from his nap!

Friday, March 5, 2010


As always life is a learning experience. The Buddhists say that suffering is part of life, and accepting this is the first step to ending the suffering. I'm still working on that.

After we got back from Hawaii, it seemed like things just kept getting worse. We are now finally in a place of our own, though its been a Herculean task to get it livable. The place was infested with mice and still full of personal effects. I have high hopes for this house. I feel like this can be a real home for us, and a lasting one.

Since after Hawaii and all the unrest that acompanied it, I've been unpacking boxes and my life and realizing there are many things that are lost and many things that are broken. There are some things that just require some glue and some things I'm afraid will never be the same. . .

I guess we can't look back, we just have to make due with what we have, and that is what I intend to do.